A Gift for Master Elayna
by Glittermonkey
Summary: Grape Jell-O, Yoda getting drunk, and Obi with a rash.


**A Gift for Master Elayna**

* Author: Padawan Yung-Ju Tanida (glittermonkey@earthlink.net)   
* Category: Humor/Parody, Alternate-Universe, Action/Adventure   
* Rating: PG, for allusions   
* Warnings: This is a sillyfic -- it does not recognize either   
reality or sanity. Please keep that in mind :) Furthermore,   
this is a fanfic in the true sense of the work -- fans are   
literally characters in the fic, though not in the form of   
Mary Sues (thank goodness). It came about after a discussion   
I had with Christy, when she mentioned that back in the days   
when the whole Master/Padawan thing was starting on the list,   
a lot of people ended up not having any official ceremonies   
or announcements. I immediately set out to remedy that. Oh,   
and please don't be turned off by the fact that Qui and Obi   
don't appear until the second half of the story -- their   
roles are peripheral but quite crucial :)   
* Spoilers: This is set way before TPM, and months before my master,   
Barri, aka Padawan's Pet, was knighted.   
* Disclaimer: Ain't mine, dammit. The boys belong to Uncle George.   
The others belong to themselves. I don't think anyone wants   
to take responsibility for Yoda.   
* Summary: The fic that answers the question "Why wasn't Jedi Master   
Elayna ever knighted?" Chaos, grape Jell-O, alcoholic Yoda and   
Q&O tumbling in the hay ensue.   
* Feedback: I'd love ya if you did.   
* Other Notes: Thanks and huggles to Ophie for impromptu grammar betas,   
The Giant Sea Turtle for a very thorough reading and editing,   
my ever-supportive Master Barri for cheering me on, and Great   
Grand-Master Christy for inadvertantly tossing me this bunny.   
Woo-hoo, my first fic with even an ATTEMPT at a plot! :D 

-- 

Jedi Master Elayna was experiencing a Bad Feeling [registered trademark   
of LucasFilm, Incorporated]. She couldn't quite localize where it was   
coming from, but it had started the minute she had landed on the planet   
of Promethazinia. An incessant gnawing at the back of her mind, rather   
like the attentions of a rabid mutated gawan [copyright Jayde Amali 1999],   
troubled her patented Jedi calm. She centered herself, grabbed the Force   
by its ears, and shook it hard. The Force let out an 'eep!' sound and   
spit out a bit of the future for her to see. Damn, she was good. They   
didn't call her a Master for nothing. 

Satisfied, Elayna sat back to examine her new revelation. Ah, so it   
had something to do with the trade negotiations that she had been sent   
to this pathetic rock to settle. Fair enough -- these things never went   
smoothly, especially when the participant civilizations were known for   
their centuries of bloody (a misleading adjective, mused Elayna,   
considering the Promethazinians were silicon-based life-forms who   
actually didn't have anything resembling blood in their biological   
systems) warfare. But that was why the government of Promethazinia had   
been prescient enough to ask for help from the Jedi, of course. 

She delved deeper. It would happen today... in the early evening...   
during the unity celebration when the leaders of the warring factions   
were scheduled to sign the treaty that would lead to new economic order   
for their combined nations. It would happen during the... Elayna frowned.   
During the Jell-O wrestling match? Startled, she blinked and the bit o'   
future slipped away into the aethers from whence it came. Elayna reached   
out hastily, but was only able to catch one final passing thought from   
it before it disappeared altogether... farm animals. 

Bad Feeling? Peace treaty? Jell-O wrestling? Farm animals? Elayna felt   
that blasted gawan gnawing full throttle at the back of her mind again,   
this time having enlisted the help of two homicidal Ewoks and a really   
hungry Calamarian beaver as well. Bad Feeling, yes. Very Bad. She   
clutched her lightsaber hilt warily and proceeded to disembark from   
her transport vessel. 

---------------------- 

"Gee, Master Amber, did you know Master Yoda has a vestigial tail? How   
do you suppose he fits that into his undergarments?" The Padawan's Pet,   
aka Padawan Barri, looked over to her instructor with a rather puzzled   
look on her face. 

"That, my dear padawan, is probably one question better left -- and   
never touched again, even with a ten foot pole -- as one of the great   
mysteries of our Order." Amber glanced sideways from her datapad to   
track her apprentice's movements. "Aren't you supposed to be working   
on your Trials story? If I find you squandering your time chattering   
on the Temple mailing list again, I might just have to assign you a   
few hours of extra meditation tonight." 

"I'm taking some time out to research some of my facts -- some of which   
required me to look up stats in the Temple database..." Barri tapped   
some keys on her pad and looked back up. "Have you ever just gone through   
these files for the heck of it? There's some really interesting stuff in   
here... For instance, do you know the *real* reason why Master Windu is   
so immaculately bald?" She paged down some more and giggled as she read   
the data on the screen. "And let me tell you now, his head is just the   
tip of the iceberg. Woo!" 

"Padawan..." Amber intoned with a bit of warning. "Have you ever heard   
of the term 'Too Much Information', perchance?" 

"There's nothing wrong with being knowledgeable, though, is there?   
Master Yoda always said that on the side of ignorance, danger lies.   
Don't you want me to educate mysel... Wow, will ya look at that." 

Amber looked up from her reading once again. "Hmmm?" 

"Did you know that Master Elayna was never officially knighted? How   
do suppose the Council let an oversight like that slip by?" 

Amber frowned, looked down at her datapad, then back at her apprentice.   
"No official records of her rank whatsoever, you say?" 

Barri scrolled through, then did a double check. "Nope. Looks here like   
she just appeared out of the blue one day and was made a Master. Lucky   
duck." 

"Maybe not so lucky, my serendipitous charge..." She sat up, pointing   
to her datapad. "You see, I was just wondering why it was that the   
secret service of Promethazinia had requested an ID verification and   
background check on your grandmaster... even after we had sent the   
information, they had seemed a bit on the suspicious side. The   
Promethazinian culture places great importance on official ceremonies,   
and probably will not accept her readily at all if they do not fully   
approve of her background. This could lead to quite a few complications   
for her..." Amber stood up and started for the door. "We should speak   
to the Council at once." 

Without a word, her padawan dutifully gathered their cloaks and   
trotted off after her. 

---------------------- 

The Force, Master Elayna decided as she was being led into a dark dank   
secluded alley by twenty Promethazinians in dark robes carrying wickedly   
sharp ceremonial daggers and chanting in low tones, could be a real   
bugger at times. She wasn't sure when they had appeared, how she had   
ended up being surrounded by them, or whether they even noticed her   
in their midst at all as they proceeded along their path. To try to   
extract herself from the crowd would be difficult and possibly lead   
to hurt feelings or some other social faux pas that she just wasn't   
in the mood to handle. All she had wanted was to get this mission over   
and done with, like so many of the others she had under her distinguished   
belt, then go home to a nice hot bubble bath. With maybe a pinch of   
those fancy vanilla bath salts that she'd won from Master Gallia during   
last week's round of strip sabbac... of course, she'd have to feed   
the cats and give them scritchies first... and make sure they hadn't   
scattered all the contents of their litterboxes across the kitchen   
floor in retaliation for her prolonged absences... 

Elayna wrinkled her nose at the thought of such a mess awaiting her --   
she had been lucky enough in the past to have a padawan along with her   
whenever she got home from such trips. She briefly wondered if taking   
on another apprentice would save her a couple of credits over the cost   
of hiring a maid every other week. It was worth doing a few calculations   
on when she had some spare time, she decided. 

Speaking of which, Elayna further decided, she had spared quite enough   
time with these wacky rejects from some B-movie death cult. While they   
had given her perhaps more a taste of the local culture than she had   
really wanted, dawdling was not a part of the Jedi credo. She turned   
to the alien standing nearest her and politely requested in a fair   
semblance of its native language that it move aside so that she may   
pass. The whole crowd suddenly ceased moving and went silent. From   
the way they were staring at her, Elayna wondered if she had perhaps   
goofed and said something bad about the alien's maternal parentage   
by mistake. That would definitely be the last time she bought mission-   
critical translation texts from a travelling Ewok discount book salesman. 

Oh, poodoo! were the last distinct words that ran through the Jedi   
Master's mind as a swarm of chattering angry aliens suddenly rushed   
her, their primitive but effectively deadly weapons raised in   
bloodthirsty rage. 

---------------------- 

Master Amber and Padawan Barri raced through the darkened halls of   
the Jedi Temple, searching for any council member they could find.   
The meeting chambers were deserted, as were the training rooms and   
personal quarters. There was not an elder to be found. Standing at   
the entrance to meditation gardens, Amber did a quick scan and found   
they were deserted. Very strange, indeed. This could only mean one   
thing. 

"Barri, what's today?" 

"Seventh rotation, fourth cycle. Why do you ask?" 

With a curse, Amber headed back indoors. "It's the council's   
'private contemplation' day, when they sequester themselves   
in the hidden reaches of the temple to divine future outcomes,   
discuss matters of great consequence to the very existence of   
the Republic, and commune with the Force. They will not be happy   
about being interrupted." 

Barri nodded solemnly as she followed her master through deep,   
winding hallways. They were headed to the underground levels of   
the temple, a region which only Masters of the highest ranks were   
allowed to enter. The ground sloped beneath them and the air grew   
damp. She marvelled at the intricate stone carvings that lined   
the walls and ceilings, etchings that seemed older than Coruscant   
itself. How many generations of Jedi had walked this path before   
her? Did she, a mere padawan, profane this place of gravity and   
magnitude by her mere presence? She dared not to touch anything   
as they passed countless doors marked with cryptic symbols. The   
marble statuary depicting heroes and ancestors of the Order,   
standing in their niches in the walls, seemed to glare at her.   
Barri averted her eyes from their cold piercing gazes, keeping   
them fixed on the billowing umber cloak of her master as they   
proceeded. She nearly bumped into Amber as they stopped in front   
of an ancient wooden door large enough to fit a ronto through.   
This, too, was covered in that same enigmatic etched script. There   
didn't seem to be a way to open it. 

Amber took a deep breath, then turned to Barri. "Remember, padawan,   
whatever you witness beyond these doors must not leave them. The   
secrets you might encounter here are more than the world will ever   
be ready for." Barri nodded again, and braced herself. 

Having made her point, Amber turned to the door again, drew upon the   
Force, and triggered the internal lock mechanism. It swung open upon   
a tableau that left Barri speechless. Inside the cavernous room, strobe   
lights flashed and loud music pounded from hidden speakers. She saw   
glimpses of various council members doing who-knew-what-was-appropriate-   
for-their-species in dark corners. And then she saw it: Yoda. Bare as   
the day he was birthed. Playing bongos. And singing. With Master Windu   
in a similar condition doing some sort of rhythmic dance to the drumbeat.   
Her eyes felt like they were going to roll out of their sockets. 

Her master calmly stalked in, leaving the shocked padawan to scrape her   
jaw off the floor and follow. 

---------------------- 

Elayna watched five of the vicious little aliens go flying back with   
her Force shove. She slashed her saber at another group as they advanced,   
then did a somersault over them to land on a convenient catwalk jutting   
from the side of one of the surrounding buildings. Blast it, the little   
buggers were starting to scale the walls in pursuit! She leapt from her   
present position onto an adjoining staircase, ran up two flights, then   
saw an open window in the building across the alleyway. Sparing a quick   
glance down to gauge her distance, she noticed one particularly quick   
assailant had almost reached her. She gave it a sharp kick in the face   
and watched it go tumbling down, bumping off a few of its comrades in   
the process. She climbed the last few steps, then backed up to get a   
running start. With a Force-enhanced leap, she went sailing through the   
air, across the expanse of the alley, and dove neatly through the window.   
She rolled to a stop and stood, shaking out her cloak. 

Damn, she was good. She clipped her lightsaber to her belt (making sure   
it was turned off, of course. mistakes like that tended to make one be   
more careful in the future), smoothed back her hair, and took a step   
towards the door which led down, hopefully out onto a main street.   
Turning the knob, she promptly activated a force-shield which shot   
up on all sides around her. The door creaked open and she muttered a   
dozen curses as a phalanx of those damnable murderous aliens surrounded   
her once again, their leader clearly holding the controls to the shields   
which imprisoned her. *Awww, Sith!* 

---------------------- 

The gimmer stick pounded, emphasizing each syllable. "Grave situation   
this is. Afford to lose Master Elayna we cannot. Owes me a raunchy   
PWP starring myself she does. Rescue her we must. Get this lampshade   
off my head, you will." 

*Master Amber?* 

*Yes, padawan?* 

*That was Too Much Information. I apologize for my earlier disputes --   
I now understand the value of foregoing some forms of knowledge. You   
are indeed wise and enlightened.* 

*I foresee you will be a great Knight, Barri. Now help me put Yoda   
into his travel kennel. You know how feisty he gets during interstellar   
travel.* 

*Yes, master.* 

With a sigh, Barri hefted the spritely Jedi master from his perch atop   
the drum set, prying the microphone out of his clutches. The little   
green gnome gave it up reluctantly, making whining noises, then started   
squirming when Amber tried to stuff him through the door of a bright   
pink pet crate with his name emblazoned in glittery purple along the   
sides. 

"Unhand me you will! Undignified this is! Deluxe model with wet bar and   
hot tub I requested! Bite you I will!" 

In a sudden flash of inspiration, Barri rooted around in her voluminous   
robes and resurfaced with a slightly linty jerky treat. She waved it in   
front of their adversary, letting him pick up the scent. 

"Oooh, rootleaf I smell. Give it to me you must!" 

Barri tossed it into the crate and watched as Yoda skittered inside   
after it. Amber slammed the door shut triumphantly and turned the lock.   
Padawan smirked at master as they hefted the box and hurried back out   
into the temple proper to catch their transport offworld. 

Back in the Jedi Council Den O' Love, Master Mace Windu roused himself   
from a drug-induced stupor long enough to hear faint cries coming from   
the hall, quickly diminishing in volume as the source moved away. He   
swore it sounded like little fists were pounding on the side of a   
container. "Tricked me you did! Twenty demerits you will get, padawan...!"   
He vaguely wondered where Yoda had disappeared to -- had he just been   
stood up? Well goshdarnit, that troll was going to pay when he got his   
hands on him. But for now, he felt too good to stay mad. Shrugging,   
Mace wandered off to find a new partner. After all, the evening was   
still young and there was much more communing to do with the Force. 

---------------------- 

Being half-naked and suspended seven feet in the air in a gilded cage,   
Elayna resolved, was only fun if you were a Vegas showgirl or a pet   
cockatoo. Of course, she could only make a completely unfounded guess   
as to the latter. And, she considered further, she probably wasn't   
getting the full experience here without the little wooden perchy   
thingo. She probably wouldn't have minded all this nearly as much   
if she was getting paid an entertainer's union wages for her time.   
Unfortunately, the Promethazinians seemed quite intent on not only   
holding her against her will and depriving her of her comfy Eddie Bauer   
edition Polarfleece (tm) Jedi cloak, but also completely ignoring her   
requests for less drafty lodgings, temporary though they might be. 

In fact, Elayna realized rather insultedly, they hadn't paid her much   
attention at all, despite the fact that they had considered her some   
sort of great menace to their planetary security. After capturing her,   
they'd just tossed her in front of some large overweight alien with a   
speech impediment who, from years of experience with various assorted   
cultures, she immediately assumed was their elected official of high   
ranking. From the few barely intelligible phrases that it had uttered,   
she postulated that something in her interplanetary travel logs had not   
passed their sanction, so now they considered her a spy or saboteur of   
some sort. 

Either that, or he was giving her a really kickass recipe for flarn. 

It had then announced to its court as a whole that she would be made   
an example of in some sort of arena deathmatch during the divertisment   
portion of the evening's official activities. Then they'd taken her   
weapon and garments, given her some sort of harem girl outfit complete   
with metal bikini top, and tossed her into this cage. 

And so there she'd sat for the last five hours, trying to pass the time   
doing meditations and glaring with what she hoped was an intimidating   
scowl in the general direction of the entrance into the ceremonial   
chamber. To her surprise, the next time she woke up from her "there is   
no passion; but well-rationalized ardor is okay" meditation, she found   
a guard had been stationed near her. Probably in anticipation of the   
coming events, she reasoned. Then she noticed what he was holding in   
his paws. She glowered. He was apparently having a ball of a time   
playing Solitaire on her handy-dandy short-range Jedi communicator/   
electric razor/convertible Bothan army knife/CD player/midichlorian   
analysis kit/Palm Pilot thingamabob. This would not do at all -- the   
battery packs for those gadgets had been hard to come by since a major   
earthquake had taken down most of the mass producers in Neimodia. This   
was downright unacceptable. Rather irately, she grabbed her communicator   
with the Force, smacked the alien upside the head with it, then sent it   
flying into her hand. 

After examining the device to her satisfaction, she idly flicked   
through the local comm channels, scanning for a frequency she recognized.   
She wasn't harboring any hopes -- this was a relatively unfrequented   
backwater region of space. To her surprise, though, her transmitter   
picked up the signals of another Jedi team only two planets away.   
With renewed hope, she sent off a quick SOS to them. She was as good   
as free. In a celebratory sort of mood, she decided to fire up a game   
of Solitaire. 

Sadly, her game only lasted a few short seconds before she heard a loud   
rumbling coming from directly below her. Looking downwards, she saw the   
polished wooden floor of the ceremonial chambers slide away. At the same   
time, the walls around her receded, replaced by stands upon stands packed   
with cheering aliens, many pointing and laughing at her. She stumbled   
backwards as the chain on her cage was suddenly jerked upwards, then the   
pulley it was attached to slowly started to lower its cargo. The door to   
the cage swung open, its locking mechanism undone, but she found herself   
not feeling particularly eager to rush out. Looking back down, she saw,   
to her dismay, she was fast approaching a huge pit of wobbling purple goo.   
A Very Very Bad Feeling indeed, she asserted. Very Bad. 

---------------------- 

Jedi Padawan Obi-Wan Kenobi cracked open one bleary hazel eye to aid   
his wayward fumbling hand in seeking out and destroying the bothersome   
comm unit that was disturbing his happy slumber. A second later, his   
other hand joined in the search while the rest of him struggled against   
the offensive concept of regaining consciousness. Where the heck was   
that blasted contraption? Shaking his head and spitting out a lock of   
long silvered brown hair as he sat up, he realized it wasn't his comm   
unit after all. It was the ship's computer. It was the emergency line   
of the ship's computer. Definitely time to wake up. Giving the hulking   
wall of well-muscled flesh he had been sleeping next to a gentle rise-   
and-shine shove, he padded over to the console to see what all the fuss   
was about. 

"Mrrgggh?" Jedi Master Qui-Gon Jinn rolled over, stretching out one   
ridiculously long arm in the general direction of the warm spot his   
padawan had just abandoned. Not finding any convenient apprentice-   
shaped object in its designated location, he reluctantly pulled   
himself upright and raised a querying eyebrow at Obi-Wan. 

"Master, there appears to be some sort of situation developing on the   
nearby planet of Promethazinia... Master Elayna seems to be in quite   
a bit of distress. We're apparently the only other operatives in the   
area. I've already reset our coordinates and expect arrival in less   
than an hour." 

"How reliably efficient of you, padawan. Now won't you come back and   
keep your poor old master warm for just a bit longer? You know how   
chilly space travel can be." 

"But master, don't you think we should be briefing ourselves on the   
culture and behaviours of the locale we're about to visit?" 

Qui-Gon frowned and flopped back into bed. "We just got back from a   
very long, very difficult mission, Obi-Wan. Pardon me if I'm feeling   
less than enthusiastic about being flung into yet another hazardous   
life-or-death predicament when I had been expecting a restful voyage   
back to Coruscant." 

Obi-Wan smirked, sauntering back towards the bed. "'Restful'? Is that   
what you called last night? Or earlier this morning?" 

His master grinned back and patted the mattress space next to him.   
"As I recall, eloquent speech wasn't high on your list of priorities   
last night, either, padawan. Not that the sounds you made weren't   
quite charming in their own right." 

Something sounding suspiciously like a purr came from Obi-Wan's   
direction as he slunk under the covers and twined himself around   
his master's leg. Qui-Gon blinked, his train of thought quite   
effectively derailed and lying in a smoking heap of charred metal.   
He lifted up a corner of the sheet and peeked under to see what   
his ever-inventive student was up to. The artfully placed nibbles   
and playful growls coming from the lower regions of the bed quickly   
cleared up any doubts there might have been. Yes, Qui-Gon decided,   
he was quite awake now. 

---------------------- 

Amber sneezed loudly into her cloak, then huddled deeper into her   
seat. Trust the Force, she thought wryly, to decide that today was   
the day she would develop an allergy to chickens. Of course, she   
hadn't had much occasion to test such an allergy prior to today, so   
she supposed it could have been a latent propensity. All the same,   
chickens it was. And those were definitely chickens -- or some other   
closely related variety of fowl native to this solar system --   
sitting on the roost directly across from her, watching her curiously   
with their beady little eyes. 

"If you think that poultry is bad, try switching seats with me,"   
came Barri's muffled voice from somewhere behind the Lemurian cattle   
enclosures. She wrinkled her nose as she caught another whiff of   
that down-home barnyard aroma, then started yanking at the pieces   
of hay stuck in her braid. 

"Your generosity if overwhelming, padawan. I am quite fine where I   
am, though my histamine count would probably suggest otherwise. How   
much longer until we land?" 

"Ten, fifteen more minutes, maybe. We were slightly delayed by that   
detour to the Corellian system. Who'dve guessed that Coruscant's   
much-loathed granite slugs are an expensive delicacy to the Drall?   
After talking to the pilot, I'm half convinced I should buy some   
shares in interplanetary livestock transport." 

"I'm glad you managed to gain something from this experience, my   
resourceful apprentice. It almost makes the fact that we're on a   
freighter carrying farm animals bearable. Nevertheless, the   
Council will be hearing an earful once I get back -- forgetting   
to get Yoda's distemper shots renewed is just plain irresponsible.   
Finding a transport is just about impossible without decent papers." 

"CoruscantAir really takes its health regulations seriously, doesn't   
it? They used to allow just about anything with a pulse to buy a   
ticket, and now they've passed a 'no pets' ordinance?" Barri made   
a 'tsk tsk' sound, shaking her head. "That disqualifies nearly half   
the Council, with their penchant for black leather collars and all." 

"Indeed it does. It almost makes me consider breaking my vow to not   
use the mind whammy in vain. Such privileges are already abused to   
the point where Toydarians are becoming prized employees in just about   
any customer-service oriented job," Amber glanced out a nearby portal.   
"Better get your things together and stow Yoda somewhere safe -- we're   
docking in a minute." 

Barri leaned over to the kennel beside her and knocked gently on its   
side. "Master Yoda? We'll be landing shortly. How are you feeling?" 

A cranky whine came from the box. "Talk too loudly you do. Hangover I   
have. Leave me alone you will." 

The padawan nodded to her master. "He appears to have regained sobriety,   
though he doesn't seem too happy about it." 

"That's about the best we can hope for, then," Amber acknowledged. She   
clutched her seat as the freighter made a bumpy touchdown directly in   
front of the Promethazinian imperial palace. "Time to get to work." 

Hefting the bright pastel carrying case, Barri trailed after her master   
at a clip. 

---------------------- 

Flailing to the surface of the enormous pit of purple gelatinous glop,   
Elayna gasped for fresh air. She wiped the stuff out of her eyes, trying   
to orient herself as she bobbed in the oddly viscous substance. She   
grimaced slightly at the aftertaste... eww, grape. And not only was   
it an offending flavor, but it was sugar free. You'd have thought that   
for an event of this magnitude, they would at least have splurged and   
gotten the good stuff. Then again, none of the palace requisitioners   
probably planned on swimming in a pool of it. Cheap bastards. This was   
going to do murder to her hair. 

Far on the other side of the pool, she heard something distinctly larger   
than herself land in the Jell-O with a loud *plop*. A second later, a   
large ripple wave of goop came roiling her way. She dog-paddled backwards,   
to no avail, then caught a deep breath and dove back under the surface   
to wait for the mini-tsunami to dissipate. That small nagging part of   
her mind pointed out that something had to be awfully large to make that   
big of an impact on this thick a substance. She took a few strokes forward   
then surfaced, noting that the jello still seemed a bit choppy. However,   
the creature they had thrown in was nowhere in sight. She did a 360   
degree scan to no avail, then paddled to the nearest wall and hung on   
to one of the convenient bumps that seemed to be protruding at various   
random points along its surface. 

It was when the wall began to rumble and move that she realized she'd   
found her monster after all. 

---------------------- 

Meanwhile, a planet away and fast approaching, a sleek silver spacecraft   
zipped through the void. The inhabitants within, though, were of a much   
more sluggish persuasion. 

"Msssstrr?" 

"Yes, my Obi poppet?" 

"Yrrvryyhvyy." 

"Oh, sorry." A few hundred pounds of Jedi Master shifted position   
on the much-abused bed long enough for a slightly-compressed-but-   
none-the-worse-for-the-wear Jedi padawan to crawl out from under   
them. Obi-Wan shook himself out, did a few leg stretches and backflips   
for good measure, then hopped back in bed and snuggled up next to   
his master. 

"That was wonderful, master." Propping his cute little chin on one   
of Qui-Gon's more-than-ample biceps, Obi-Wan beamed him a dimpled   
smile that would have given half the population of Onelistia triple   
coronaries. 

He earned a rumble of approval and was pulled close to that broad   
chest. A whisper in his ear. "Better than that time on the desert   
island?" 

Obi-Wan cocked his head to one side, musing. "Yes, though that could   
have been due to my allergic reaction to the coconut oil afterwards." 

Qui-Gon made a coughing sound. "Better than that time on Illyria 4   
with the fertility rites?" 

Obi-Wan furrowed his eyebrows. "Well, kind of. The tauntaun pelt   
you had on really chafed, and my braid kept getting caught in those   
ridiculous antlers you insisted on wearing." 

Qui-Gon made a choking sound. "Better than that time during the   
covert mission on Carida when we had to hide in the broom closet   
for five hours?" 

Obi-Wan shrugged lamely. "I get cramps really easy." 

Qui-Gon shuffled mentally through other memories. "Then what about   
the mission when you were my slave?" 

"You bought me for a measly twenty dinaari!!" 

"Dellaltian hot springs? The waterfall?" 

"Your hands were all pruney by the time we got out. It reminded me   
too much of Master Yoda." 

"My bout of vampirism on Ryloth?" 

Obi-Wan paused with a fond smile. "That was fun. But explaining all   
those hickeys to the other padawans wasn't." 

"Virgin sacrifice at dawn on Rafa 5?" 

"Performance anxiety." 

"That time when I bumped my head and had amnesia, was accidentally   
slipped a monster dose of aphrodisiacs, then turned to the Dark Side   
and demanded you be my apprentice after I revealed myself to you?" 

Obi-Wan's eyes lit up. "Oooh." 

Qui-Gon gave him a smug look. 

"But this time was okay too. That's all I'm saying." 

"I never had any doubts that it would be, padawan." 

"Good, I'd hate for you to think that the magic was gone or anything." 

"Never, in any way, for all time. Well...at least not until the suns   
of Tattooine burn out, Alderaan is blasted into smithereens, or some   
whiny slacker twit spawned by a scary little Aryan brat becomes the   
only shining hope of the universe." 

Obi-Wan shook off the weird nagging feeling that suddenly popped up in   
the back of him mind, then favored his master with another radiant smile.   
The other half of Onelistia promptly fell over and died. 

---------------------- 

It was big. Really big. And it had fangs. Lots of them. And horns. And   
spikes and spines and armored plates. And bumps, lots of bumps. And claws   
and talons and poisonous stingers on the tips of its whip-like tentacles,   
too. It was just about anything and everything that was fearsome rolled   
into one, with a few other bits that were beyond classification stuck   
in for good measure. It was the biggest, scariest, ickiest thing that   
ever lived, Elayna was certain. And it was covered in purple sugar-free   
Jell-O and splashing aside large globs trying to get to her. 

She paddled as fast as she could to the other side of the pool, looking   
vainly for any crevices in the smooth tile walls that she could grab   
onto, any crack or outjutting piece of mortar that would allow her some   
sort of purchase along the slick barrier -- from there, she could   
Force-propel herself over the rim and out of sight, leaving the big   
bad beastie thoroughly bewildered. However, the wall didn't seem to be   
cooperating with her plan -- not a hint of variation along the whole   
perimeter. 

Well, then. So that was how it was going to be. In all her time as a   
Jedi Master, she had never dreamed she would end her days in a pit of   
Jell-O battling Satan's genetically engineered radioactively mutated   
elder brother. Then again, she tried to console herself philosophically,   
no-one got to choose their fates. Unless they had enough funds to invest   
in a cloning plant or two. Since that was out of the question, she   
would face her demise with all the dignity and bravery her years of   
training and service were worth. Her new resolve was like a breath of   
fresh air. She turned to encounter the beast, a cloak of calm acceptance   
pulled tightly around her. She was ready to give it her all in one final   
confrontation. 

The monstrosity loomed before her, frothing at the mouth. Well, at one   
of its mouths. The other ones on the ends of the tentacles were doing   
more of a snappity-snap-I'm-going-to-eat-you thing. Elayna steadfastly   
ignored them. Pushing off from the wall with all her might and quite   
a healthy dollop of Force, she propelled herself forward and upwards,   
executed a double somersault to slow her down in mid-air, then gave   
the beast a swift but severe dropkick in the region she took to be a   
chest. The leviathan went flying backwards, hitting the other wall with   
a dull thud before plopping back into the goop. It didn't resurface. 

Elayna blinked. She knew she was good, but not that good. Someone   
had been helping her. Someone who had known what she was going to   
do and boosted her attack at the vital moment. Someone with a masterly   
command of the Force. Someone who, she thought wryly, even after   
several hundred years of Hooked On Phonics lessons, still couldn't   
formulate a grammatically correct sentence if his life depended on   
it. As if on cue, she heard that familiar high-pitched voice vehemently   
yelling at someone from the viewing platforms above, causing quite a   
ruckus amongst the natives. A second later, she was being lifted out   
of the pool by invisible tendrils of Force. 

Upon touching solid ground, Elayna shook off as much of the glop as   
she could, then turned and bowed her thanks to her rescuers. Master   
Yoda, who had noticeably dark circles under his bloodshot eyes, nodded   
back at her. She knelt to his level as he shuffled forward to meet her. 

"Knighted you are not, these people claim. Justified they think they   
were, using you as beastie bait. Come to rectify this oversight I have."   
The little green troll turned to give the Promethazinian officials a   
pointed look, as if daring them to defy him, then gestured to one of   
the cloaked figures behind him. It strode forth and handed the elderly   
Jedi Master his gimmer stick. As it backed away, the cowl slid back far   
enough for Elayna to see the face of her padawan, Amber, trying to stifle   
a grin at her master's rather unorthodox appearance. 

Yoda thumped his stick on the ground to call for attention, then slowly   
lifted it over Elayna's lowered head. He brought it down gently on one   
shoulder, then the other, reciting some ancient undecipherable dialect   
in the process. He thumped the ground again, then took three steps back   
and beckoned for Elayna to stand. "Both a Jedi Knight and Master you are.   
Official, now it is." 

The crowd broke out in cheers, the officials shrugged at eachother, and   
the two Jedi who had accompanied Yoda beamed as they put down their cowls.   
Elayna strode forward to hug her padawan and grand-padawan, curious as   
to how they had managed to get to her as quickly as they had. She was   
also curious to know why Amber was covered in feathers and Barri smelled   
like ripe fertilizer. She stopped in midstep, though, upon seeing Yoda   
nearly fall over as he attempted to shuffle to meet them. 

The elderly gnome wobbled a bit as his hangover struck him with renewed   
vigor. Everyone held their breath as he steadied himself and turned back   
towards them. "Stop looking at me like that you will!" He shouted shrilly   
at the people in the stands, waving his stick. "Continue the celebration   
you may. Get me a drink you will," he added as an afterthought. 

Before anyone could comment, though, a commotion came from the back of   
the ceremonial chambers. All eyes turned to the doors as a pair of cloaked   
figures made a rather spectacular entrance, flipping and leaping around   
in a set of complicated maneuvers, twirling their lit lightsabers and   
leaving a wake of terrified guards. 

Tumbling to an abrupt stop in front of the other group of Jedi, the new-   
comers looked a bit on the confused side. The shorter one was the first   
to speak. "Master," he addressed the larger man, "I think we arrived a   
tad too late." 

Elayna blinked. Yoda blinked. Amber blinked. Barri blinked twice. 

Then, a wicked gleam crept into the elder Jedi's eyes. Turning to Elayna,   
he announced, "Present to you, I do, as your congratulatory promotional   
gift, Qui-Gon Jinn and his apprentice, young Kenobi." He winked at Elayna.   
"Take advantage of this, I recommend." Yoda scuffled past the two men,   
headed towards the wine spritzers. He gave Obi-Wan a pat on the behind   
with his gimmer stick in passing, causing the padawan to yelp. 

Obi-Wan turned to Qui-Gon with a frown. 

*Master?* 

*Yes, Obi-Wan?* 

*I have a Bad Feeling About This.* 

*I was afraid you'd say that.* 

~finis~ 


End file.
